So now that you are the proud owners of more information about my bowels than you ever wanted to know … urine trouble is next.

I have been urinating for almost 60 years now. I don’t remember the first time, but my mother claims she does.

Before chemo-radiation started I had an appointment at radiology to mark my body as to where to aim Truebeam, my jigawatt girlfriend. I got to the appointment on time but the radiologist, I was told, had a weekly meeting at that time every week, and I had to wait 45 minutes. Yeah, that pissed me off as well, so to speak. After 40 minutes or so of cooling my heels, I went to the only person at the desk and asked about a men’s room. I went there, found a urinal, zipped open, took it out, let it stream, shook, shivered, put it away, zipped up, and after washing my hands returned to the waiting room. (If you are wondering about that shivered part, here is an an NBC article devoted to piss shivers.)

The doctor called me in. For reasons I cannot fathom, my radiologist reminds me of Jeff Goldblum. That is fine and if he wants to upload a virus into the mothership of my tumor, removing the force shields, blow it all to hell saving me and all mankind, then all the more power to him.

I am on the radiation table, they are futzing around, and after about 10 or 15 minutes they stop and tell me my bladder is not full enough. I was never told to come with a full bladder, I happen to have come with a full bladder, and yet, it was all moot. They bring me three cups of water that I drink and then restart the entire imaging procedure after 15 minutes. Multiple Sharpie^® marks and three tattoos later I do that peeing thing again and go home.

A full bladder sits in a different position in the pelvic girdle and I am told somewhat out of the way of the radiation. It was important to always have a full bladder when lying on Truebeam. As the chemo-radiation progressed all my feelings in that area changed. It quickly became apparent to me that I could not really feel how full my bladder was. Or if it was full. Or empty. I would empty it around 11:00 and then depend on how much I was able to drink by 1:15 and that was the best I could do.

One day I was in the chemo clinic first and then had to walk to radiation which is literally about as far as you can get in the hospital complex and stay in a building. I knew my bladder had to be pretty full and about half way there I knew I was in trouble, all of the sudden it was so full I really had to deal with it. Immediately. I found a bathroom and was able to relieve just enough to keep my bladder full and walk to radiation. I know what you are thinking, but yes, really, I can control it to that degree. It stems from a trick I taught myself in college that I will not describe here, just ask any lovers I have had since then. But I digress …

I also found that immediately after radiation I would go to the bathroom (with a presumably full bladder) and it was always difficult to “go.” I don’t know why, but by the time I got home that part was back to normal.

After about two weeks of chemo-radiation, it started to hurt to urinate. Not the same as a urinary infection, more of a strange, buzzing sensation like an electric shock (but not that awful). One of the curses of being a male with a urinary infection, or whatever I was experiencing, is that our urethra (the tube from the bladder to the outside world) is longer than a woman’s. Some unfortunate men it is only six inches longer, but I won’t go into my good luck turned curse. Strangely enough, the pain was really concentrated more towards the end of my penis and definitely from within my urethra. It would cause an awful sensation starting there and then throughout my body, like an electric shudder. And it would quickly dissipate and be gone. It was not every time I went, more often towards the evenings.

That brings us to today, almost two weeks since the chemo-radiation ended. It still happens but not as often and not as strong. But the general sensation of what is going on is still not all there. And once I start to urinate, the feeling that I am urinating stays after I am done. I actually need to look to see if I am done.

Why am I sharing all of this? Well, for one thing, no one told me all this shit would happen or could happen. Others should know, unless of course that none of this happens to anyone else and I am just fucked. Don’t tell me. Ignorance is bliss.

Ok, we have poop and pee out of the way.

Judging by the look I got from Inanna when I mentioned the next post would be on the painful ejaculations, me thinks there may not be a third installment in the “Things That Don’t Come Out Of My Body As Planned” trilogy for if there is, I may not have a reason to ejaculate for a while.