Remember that I have colorectal cancer, and between you and me, I am somewhat … nervous. I log in and this screen comes up:

Under my surgeon’s name it says “Colorectal Cancer is the #2 killer …” Is this supposed to make me feel better? I am to assume that it is my doctor’s talent that keeps it from being the #1 killer? Is this some advertisement for the doctor who is already my doctor? Additionally, wtf?

Then, under my hematologist/oncologist’s name is says she is out of the office for the next nine years, returning on my birthday. Nine years? Really? I spoke to her yesterday, did I scare her off?

Yes, this is going to be an adventure. Welcome aboard.

The post If it’s on the Internet it must be true. appeared first on Disabled Dad.

At the first Cerberus meeting I met my hematology / oncology doctor, Dr. Pye, along with the surgeon and radiologist. I was impressed with her and very glad she drew the short straw and I was her patient. A couple of weeks later Inanna and I had an appointment with her and learned more, it went very well. I did a bit of research, she is well respected, very intelligent, and everything one wants in a doctor.

My first day of chemo I was to have an appointment with her, but it turned out that she had some medical issues herself and was out for a while. I took this in stride, sort of, even though it was very disappointing. I was assigned to another member of the chemo team, and this doctor, Dr. Chemo2 was very impressive as well. Ok, I can deal with this, but I was still hoping that Dr. Pye would be back for my after-surgery chemo.

Once my chemo-radiation was finished I received a call for my cerberus II appointment, again the radiologist, surgeon and chemologist (?). The scheduler mentioned yet a third chemo doctor and I made it clear that was not acceptable. Why a third? After some studdering she scheduled Dr. Chemo2. That was ok, I liked him.

A bit later I needed a chemo appointment and saw Dr. Pye! She was only back for a short time. We discussed the upcoming appointment and she said that she may be able to be there but was not sure. She checked the 3:00 time. The odds are she would not be around after my surgery though. We agreed that I should see Dr. Chemo2 since he would be stuck with me responsible for my post-surgery care and potential chemo. Dr. Pye would try to attend if it worked out.

That evening I looked in the patient portal, and Dr. Pye was listed! The appointment was scheduled for next Wednesday, 3:00 PM. I was able to choose that time to make sure that Inanna could easily attend as well.

Last week I got a call telling me the surgeon wanted me to have a flexible sigmoidoscopy, a camera up my butt. Ok, fine, and it was scheduled for 12:30 next Wednesday, before the cerberus II appointment.

A bit after I got that call, I got an email with instructions. The email started “Dear Mary,” … that is an actual quote, I did not make up that name, and no, my name is not Mary. Not even close. They actually sent me someone else’s email. I certainly hope a gynecologist does not walk in with a flexible anything …

This is what I knew:

• Flexible sigmoidoscopy (with or without Mary) at 12:30
• Cerberus II appointment at 3:00
• Chemo hematologist: Dr. Pye (if possible) and potentially Dr. Chemo2

And that brings me to today.

I looked in the patient portal to double check a different appointment. I noticed a couple of things …

• No flexible sigmoidoscopy scheduled
• The cerberus II appointment was moved earlier to 1:15
• Dr. Pye was the only chemo doctor listed; it also says, and this is a direct quote, that Dr. Pye is “Out of office through 10/22/2027”

No angst here. I am just the fucking patient with the cancerous tumor and they are changing appointments, canceling appointments and not telling me. And no, it’s not chemo brain. At least not on my end.

Of course it takes three calls to kind of figure out what is going on.

The flex sig (that’s the lingo those in-the-know use) is scheduled at 1:15 but what the portal does not say is that I need to show up at 12:30 so in fact the flex sig is for 12:30; but my butt won’t be violated for 45 minutes. I guess they don’t put that in writing. And, without telling me, the appointment with the three doctors is immediately after the flex sig, so in fact that appointment is listed as 1:15, but is really 1:30, and yes, changed from 3:00. Without telling me. The victim patient.

Actual schedule (maybe) for the day:

• Flexible sigmoidoscopy (with or without Mary) sometime between 12:30 and 1:15
• Cerberus II appointment at 1:30
• Chemo hematologist: No clue even though it still says Dr. Pye who is out for the next 3370 days!

So, when the scheduler said:

how about scheduling the flex sig for 12:30?

and said NOTHING ELSE ABOUT THE OTHER APPOINTMENTS what she really meant but DID NOT SAY was

we can make the flex sig for 1:15, change the three doctor appointment to 1:30 and need you to get here at 12:30.

Never said any of that. Did not put that in the patient portal.

I don’t know which chemo doctor will be there, Dr. Pye had said the 3:00 time was potentially possible. Did they check with her? That was weeks ago before listing her as out until 2027. If it is not her, will it be Dr. Chemo2? Are we back to the mystery doctor behind door number 3? If a third doctor shows up I may lose my shit. I have a relationship with these two, for what that is worth. And since my life is in their hands, it is worth a lot. To me. The fucking patient. I am already really not happy about this. I don’t need more angst in my life, thank you very much.

Inanna now needs to take time off work to make the appointment. And it is a damn good thing I happened to look, otherwise she would have missed it and that is not a minor thing.

• Who changed the appointment?
• Why was it changed?
• If it changed because of the flex sig time, why was I not told when I agreed to the 12:30? (This is the same shit they pulled when my radiation was scheduled for daily appointments and no one told me the relationship to the weekly chemo appointment. That’s another rant for another time.)
• Why does the patient portal say nonsensical things?
• Who the hell is Mary and does she have my email? Will we be in bunk-cots and have dueling flex sigs?

Color me not happy.

Seriously. This one will be keep me up tonight. Is it too much to know what doctor will be there? Am I asking too much?

If you work in a hospital, IF YOU WORK IN MY HOSPITAL, watch this four minute video. Really. Please. As if my request means anything.

The post “Without faith that there’s a world beyond the one we live in, I don’t see how it’s possible to get rid of angst.” ~Robert Smith appeared first on Disabled Dad.

This goes for websites as well. Especially patient sites. I am using my hospital’s (“my” as in the one I go to, not the other one that I own) (ok, I don’t own a hospital) patient portal and, well, it actually makes my life more difficult than if I did not use it. I know I can be a curmudgeon but hey, I have cancer, be nice to me.

I want to show you what I am dealing with. Keep in mind that I do a good amount of web design but this is not about my thinking I can do it better (and hell yes, I can) but it is about showing issues and maybe this will work its way back to the designers. This blog is anonymous, I do not want to call out the hospital or its IT department in any way. The ONLY changes to these screen shots are proper nouns and phone numbers. Really. And I will do my best to not offer opinions, only facts. Let’s see how that part goes.

Note that I get emails saying …

You have an upcoming appointment with one of your health care providers. Please sign in to the Patient Portal to check your appointment schedule on your Home page.

Here is the important part of the home page. I sign in and see this along with a main menu, etc. but this is the prominent center of the screen:

We (me and you, aren’t you lucky?) are going to look at various parts of this from many points of view. The information it conveys (or does not), ease of use, accessibility, validity, etc. Clicking on the images will enlarge them if you so desire.

Demoralization and crushing of hope

Note that the “Care Team” on the right side of the screen is made up of doctors and providers who I have seen and am working with. It is vital to note, they are not doctors I have not seen, it only shows those providers for whom I am already a patient.

Every time I sign into this site I see my surgeon (extremely highly regarded) telling me that

Colorectal Cancer is the #2 killer …

Number 2 after what? Natural causes? Am I going to die? This is not an advertisement telling others they need to check for colorectal cancer because if you see these words you are already being treated by a colorectal surgeon! WTF. I have colorectal cancer. Pretty much everyone reading those words has been diagnosed with colorectal cancer. Let’s remind me I am dying. And yes, I have read the rest of the paragraph.

Hey, pal, do you know the time?

(Ignore the 9:00 AM CAT scan for this discussion.) I have been told that I have an MRI at 9:30 in the morning. The written notice I received clearly says (bold is in the original) …

… arrive in the MRI department 45 minutes before your scheduled exam start time.

And during the reminder phone call the gentleman stressed that I …

… must arrive an hour before, at 8:30.

So what is the essential time in this case? The patient portal is there for me to see my appointments as the referenced email states. It appears that in this case, the 9:30 AM time is completely moot. That is not when I need to arrive, and if in fact I arrive at that time, they will have to reschedule me (according to the gentleman on the phone).

This item on the schedule for 9:30 is problematic unless I remember to get there 45 60 ? minutes early. How to remember? I cannot write it on the home page to which I am supposed to refer.

I know what you are saying … “Just click for instructions as it says!” Ok, I will, and this opens up:

Well that is not terribly helpful.

But wait, there’s more! What is that in red? Why is there any text in red and what does it signify? And a “CLICK HERE” … seeing that I always do as I am told, I will click yet again for some instructions (but not on the red, that does nothing) and this comes up …

Good. I feel so much better instructed now. I don’t have questions, I don’t know that the time on the home page is wrong-ish.

So what time do I show up?

Who? Huh?

I have the cerberus appointment on Wednesday. Who will be there? Well, it appears the wonderful Dr. Pye will be …

But whatever you do, DO NOT LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE SCREEN SHOT … DO NOT LOOK AT THE “CARE TEAM” LISTING …

Damn, you looked.

Dr. Pye appears to be out of the office for the next nine years, which is actually a good thing since I hope to be alive in nine years and that date, B”H, will be my 70^th birthday. She will be my present! But will she be at the meeting on Wednesday? If not, who will be taking her place?

Excuse me, huh?

I know you are looking at the CARE TEAM list and wondering, is there any way to edit the list? Can I add or remove doctors? Of course there is, just look at the bottom of the CARE TEAM column.

Here is it clearly noted that your providers are automatically added to this list “after you’ve had a kept appointment …” I know what a kept woman is (not that I have any experience in such things) and I know all too well what it is to be verklempt, but a kept appointment? Heck of a place for a past participle … And if you click on Edit Providers, you can remove someone from the list but neither add nor change anyone. Is that editing or removing? Definitely not kepting.

Flexible? I can bend in all sorts of ways.

Let’s not forget about my flexible sigmoidoscopy on Wednesday. I need to be there at 12:30 PM for it to happen at 1:15 PM for my 1:30 PM cerberus appointment. You can see that clearly in this part of the schedule …

“All the truths of mathematics are linked to each other, and all means of discovering them are equally admissible.” ~Adrien-Marie Legendre

Most, if not all, web design “best practice” lists specify that links should be highlighted in some way and all formatted alike. The classic is underlined blue text, but that is becoming a relic for many reasons. For accessibility, readability, understand-ability, etc., links should look and work the same within a site. It is simply best practice.

Here is my home page on the Patient Portal with all links (that I can find so far) highlighted.

Let’s see how links are identified:

• Blue virtual-buttons with white text
• Bold black text with “(Click for instructions)”
• Bold black text without “(Click for instructions)”
• Blue-ish text with no decoration
• Blue-ish text, underlined

A designer could argue that the schedule listing items are not true links (<a> tags) but are list items (<li> tags) but this is only a partial and weak argument, especially with some having the additional, although somewhat fallacious “Click for instructions” instruction. Five different link-identifying styles? None explained. Simply stating “Click on a scheduled item for further information” would work since all minimally open up to show the location of the scheduled event.

(Here is a fun thing to try … see the handicap logo at the top right of the browser window? It has always been there. Click on it and click on “UNDERLINE LINKS.” Then CLOSE. You will now see four links in my previous paragraph. Didn’t know they were there? Pretty useless having links you don’t know exist, huh? Now undo what you just did or it will drive you crazy.)

Speaking of accessibility

There are Web Content Accessibility Guidelines (WCAG) put out by the W3C Web Accessibility Initiative (W3C WAI) under their tag line “Strategies, standards, and supporting resources to make the Web accessible to people with disabilities.”

Web Content Accessibility Guidelines (WCAG) is developed through the W3C process in cooperation with individuals and organizations around the world, with a goal of providing a single shared standard for web content accessibility that meets the needs of individuals, organizations, and governments internationally.

The WCAG documents explain how to make web content more accessible to people with disabilities. Web “content” generally refers to the information in a web page or web application, including:

• natural information such as text, images, and sounds
• code or markup that defines structure, presentation, etc.

The U.S. Department of Education mandates that school district websites be accessible and has several initiatives in this matter. It falls on the Office of Civil Rights to enforce this, and they do.

Section 508 of The Rehabilitation Act compels federal government agencies to make all of its electronic information and technology fully usable by people with various disabilities. This means that websites, software, webinars and PDF user guides, to name a few examples, have to meet specific accessibility requirements to comply with the law. The revised Section 508 refers to the Web Content Accessibility Guidelines (WCAG) 2.0, Level AA.

Although Section 508 as it’s written does not apply to the private sector, nor does it apply to recipients of federal funds, some funding agreements have nevertheless incorporated the requirements of Section 508 as a condition of receiving funds. For example, Medicare and Medicaid rules state that healthcare institutions receiving reimbursements through these programs must make program information “readily accessible” to the public. In the most recent update, readily accessible information is defined as “electronic information and services which comply with modern accessibility standards such as section 508 guidelines, section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act, and W3C’s Web Content Accessibility Guidelines (WCAG) 2.0 AA and successor versions.”

When I run my home page in the Patient Portal through a standard Accessibility Checker against WCAG 2.0 AA I get 15 errors and 3 warnings. Those numbers are a tad misleading because, for instance, there are 92 instances of “Info and Relationships 1.3.1” flagged as errors and 17 warnings. There are 8 warnings of insufficient color contrast.

Ugh.

Let’s do a quick review

• Depressing information: I have the #2 killer of bloggers and other mere mortals
• Bad information: Dr. Pye will be at my appointment
• Misinformation: Dr. Pye is out for 9 years
• Missing information: Flex sig anyone?
• Lack of information: When appointments really start
• Confusing information: Where links are; what is clickable
• Accessibility: If the hospital has patients with disabilities, this may be an issue

And this is only two information boxes out of many just on the home page.

No, I don’t have way too much time on my hands. I have cancer, you know. The number 2 killer of crotchety bloggers.

The post It’s not what you write, it’s what they read appeared first on Disabled Dad.

The hospital called today.

This is a reminder that you have a 1:15 appointment tomorrow with Dr. Hunter and Dr. Pye.

I said thank you and that was it.

The patient portal says:

Three doctors at 1:15. That is the cerberus II appointment.

This is from the email I got about tomorrow. Note that the name “Mary” is exactly how the email came, and my name ain’t Mary, and the bold is in the original …

Dear Mary,

This email is to inform you that your Flexible Sigmoidoscopy appointment with Dr. John Hunter has been scheduled for the following date:

Wednesday, August 8, 2018 arriving at 12:30PM for a 1:15PM procedure.

…

I did get the same email a bit later with my real name and the same information. It is a 10 minute procedure, at the most, but not the appointment with three doctors. So no reminder of the flex sig and it is not in the portal. Or is it all one appointment since Dr. Hunter is involved with both?

I will get there at 12:30. Dr. Pye will show up over nine years late, and lord knows why Dr. Roentgen will be there or when.

And yes, I am anxious. At some point tomorrow I will find out the results of the CT, MRI and flex sig. I will learn if the tumor has grown or shrunk (or is it shrank? … The past participle is the form of the verb used in the present perfect tense, which shows action completed at the time of speaking, hence shrunk should be correct.) Has the cancer spread to the lungs or liver? Did the chemo-radiation make any difference at all? Has the tumor miraculously vanished and I’m just full of shit?

Everything I know points to some good news. My nuts no longer hurt and the assumption is that the tumor is no longer hitting some otherwise useless nerve and hence has shrunk. Other than the last two days, my bowels seem to be functioning more like my baseline of a year ago (late yesterday and today I believe have left over effects from the laxative and contrast). My CEA level (cancer marker in blood) has gone down. I am not dead yet.

And what Plato says, That there are few Men so obstinate in their Atheism, that a pressing Danger will not reduce to an acknowledgment of the Divine Power… ~Michel de Montaigne, French Renaissance philosopher and essayist

Hence, now that we know there are no atheists in a situation such as this, it is only appropriate to research if there is a prayer for my czar of a tumor …

The post “I have a lifetime appointment and I intend to serve it. I expect to die at 110, shot by a jealous husband.” ~Thurgood Marshall appeared first on Disabled Dad.

Today, out of the blue, I got a voicemail. Not sure why my phone did not ring, but that’s ok. Here is the transcript:

Hi, this is Susan calling from the patient portal at the medical center. I was just giving you a call to assist you with the patient portal. If you are still looking for assistance  or have any feedback you can feel free to send us an email. Our email is patient-portal@big-city-hospital.com. Have a nice day, bye.

Ok. Well, someone ratted me out. The only question I have is “Aren’t you embarrassed by your site?” but alas, I did not get the call and she did not leave a number (caller-id was an outgoing number only). So I decided to write an email:

That was sent at 11:20 this morning. I noticed in the back end of the blog a couple of hits directly on the blog post from the hospital, around noon time. Then another at 5:01 PM.

Then this arrives at 5:12 …

Interesting, and it appears someone does care, kind of. I end the email trail (at least for now) with this response …

I am looking forward to see what happens. Let’s take bets on if anyone will want to speak to a cranky old blogger with cancer up his ass who may actually know something about something.

The post “Empathy is the starting point for creating a community and taking action. It’s the impetus for creating change.” ~Max Carver appeared first on Disabled Dad.

I sent the email to both the surgeon and the radiologist since they were the two in the room and both had commented on said lymph node. Again, only names are changed:

Simple enough not too long, the answer I would expect to be short and simple. This is what I received:

I have no fucking clue who this person is nor why an “admin” is responding. Especially one that does not know the rules of capitalization. And the “we”? He or she will see what it is and help make a decision? And what is with the signature of “T”?

To which I had a simple reply, and yes, I deleted the “the fuck” part of the question.

We are back to the empathy part of the equation. Let’s say a big-city-top-rated-doctor had her own medical issue. She was dealing with something out of her field … maybe breast cancer. She had a question for her doctor and sent an email, and the response came back from an unknown administrator. Would that be acceptable to her do you think? Or the top administrator of a hospital, the chairman of the board, would they accept an unknown non-medical person answering such a question?

I understand time pressures, I understand pain-in-the-ass patients, I understand bombardment by emails. I don’t understand the lack of a simple …

But noooooo, I am left to follow the advice or knowledge of an unknown admin who, for all I know, is in charge of writing directions for prescription labels.

The post “’Email is the scourge of our age,’ said Silvia. ‘Email and cancer.’” ~Olivia Sudjic appeared first on Disabled Dad.

As I try to figure out what bothers me most, I get more bothered! Yes, ultimately the fact that I have cancer and the outcome being unknown sucks and bothers me. But actually I can deal with that as well as one can.

The question comes up, am I doing all I can for myself? I think so, but am I? Am I letting myself down?

I looked up my doctors on the Internet when all this started. The surgeon is a good as it gets, period. The oncologist and radiologist are both very highly regarded as well. The group, I am told, does more colorectal care and surgery than any other team in this big city, and that is saying a lot. So, mostly by luck and default, I have no worries or concerns about the doctors.

As we know, I have big concerns about the support staff and find myself doing some research to understand the protocols and make sure I am following the right set of instructions (the pill bottle? the oral instructions? the written instructions?).

My ex-wife has a friend, Sue. Sue is highly educated and a very nice woman but she does not appear to have a lot of “life smarts” or maybe common sense. She would do things that would drive me crazy. I knew of the things from my wife and never ever would say anything to Sue but would shake my head. A couple of times I found myself in situations where I, personally, was not sure exactly what to do. I learned to think of it this way … the Sue Test.

What would I say if this was Sue?

For instance, if I went to a restaurant that I really wanted to try, but for whatever reason it looked dirty to me or just “off” and I was not sure if I should sit and eat or just leave …

How would I react if I was told that Sue sat there and ate?

It is my mental way of looking at my own situation from the outside and putting my own values on it. I found it helpful and no, it is not mean to Sue. And in that scenario, if she had her young boy with her, I would think she was crazy.

What would I say if Sue was having these issues with her hospital care?

When you use a browser to surf the ‘net a good amount of information is actually sent to the web site itself. Your browser (Chrome, Safari, Firefox, etc.) tells the web site, among other things, who your Internet service provider (ISP) is (e.g., Verizon, Comcast, Rogers, AT&T, Cox, etc.). Some of the information is very useful, like the size of the screen the user is using. As a web designer I use this to modify the page sent to that user to look best on their size screen.

Some larger organizations have their own in-house ISP. This is true for many government agencies, universities, and hospitals or medical organizations. Because of this, I know that someone (or several people) from my hospital do at times look at this blog. But there is something much more interesting …

A couple of other medical centers have also looked in the last few days. They are using the “topics” picker on the top of the right hand side and looking at the Patient Portal archive page among others! There have also been hits from two government agencies. More interest from other medical providers than mine.

As predicted, I have not heard from the Director of Strategic Initiatives again about the Patient Portal. I am shocked! Ok, no, I’m not.

I needed to use the portal again. What’s that you say? Am I a masochist? A glutton for punishment? No, just a poor schmuck with a fucking cancerous tumor up my ass.

I know I need to see the wound nurse to figure out the best placement for the ostomy and that may take up to an hour. Then I need to sit on my ass for an hour for a 5 minute Pat-preadmission testing appointment. At least it is not a Mary-preadmission appointment; my name sure ain’t Pat. A 5 minute appointment? Really? A sobriety test takes longer than that (so I am told).

Where do I take the enema? (kidding) (I hope)

The post Bad days always end at midnight appeared first on Disabled Dad.

If you remember (and even if you don’t) I needed to change doctors, etc. because of a change in insurance. I have a new primary doctor and mainly interact with his fellow. For now this is fine, the fellow is a young guy, very nice, knowledgeable, etc. This was my second time seeing him and he obviously reviewed my record. And just to be prepared, I brought along some of the paperwork on the needed preparation for surgery.

To see his notes I needed to sign into the patient portal, so I braced for it, and yes, it is still there …

Whatever happens, do not let the patient forget that they have the NUMBER 2 KILLER growing in their butt!

I then find the clinical note (the instructions in the email on what to click on to see it are wrong; are you as shocked as I am?). Here is the first part of it I would like to share:

As stated at the end, I am taking duloxetine as it is effective for peripheral neuropathy and depression. I have managed any depression without meds but with the added stress of having rectal cancer, well, this helps.

During the visit I guess I may have mentioned my “frustration” with the hospital’s healthcare system. I may have shown him the paperwork I received. I may have been a bit cranky. But I did specifically ask him about this:

and this

And as he so eloquently documented for posterity in his note:

The prescription instructions have confusing instructions for each medication. We did our best to decipher them.

And he’s a doctor! Yes, we did our best … and failed. He promised to contact the surgeon’s office and ask “what the fuck?” … well, that is my interpretation.

Then I scrolled down to see what else is in my clinic note. Oooh, social history! Being the social animal that I am …

I realize that I am cranky, curmudgeonly, expect people to be competent in their jobs, and just an all around nice guy but that aside, some of these items are a tad problematic.

“Tobacco use: Never smoker”  That is absolutely correct. I was asked if I ever smoked and I said “never” and he notated “never.”

Yet, when asked “Do you have multiple sex partners?” I responded “no” yet the notation is “denies.”

When asked if I use “recreational drugs” and I said “never,” once again the notation is “denies.”

What does Google have to say about this?

And yes, I get it, deny can also mean declare untrue but its connotation, as shown by being the primary definition here, is more of refusing to admit.

“Sexual activity: Present”  I was not asked about “sexual activity” and am perplexed by the notation of “Present.” Does that mean I have sexual activity with the present I was given (a few years ago, there was this gag gift from a couple of women friends … but I digress)? Or does it mean that I was having sexual activity in the place where I was present? And / or having it at the present time, in the present place, with the present I happen to keep in the car?

By now some of you are screaming at the computer screen wondering why I am avoiding the “Sexual orientation: Female”  item. The best I can figure is that yes, I am sexually oriented towards females. Or yes, I prefer female orientals to males (don’t go all “inappropriate-wording” on me, they wrote it, not me). Maybe during the physical exam he noticed the pink lace man-thong I was wearing and got confused. And no, I was not wearing a pink lace man-thong.

It was in the wash.

The post “Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye, and deny it.” ~Garrison Keillor appeared first on Disabled Dad.

I got a call last week from the hospital, a nurse asking to speak to “Jessica” someone. I said “There is no Jessica here, but I am a patient.” She checked her computer and mumbled something about the screen scrolling after she dialed, found my name and then continued (after a mumbled apology).

This is about your pre-admission appointment next week. If we go through some questions it will shorten the appointment, do you have some time now?

I said yes and she went through a standard questionare about history, medications, etc. Then she “confirmed” my appointment for next week.

I was told that the pre-admission appointment would be only by telephone.

No. We don’t do that.

I was told at the cerberus II appointment that the pre-admission stuff would be via telephone only. I can prove it, I have it in writing:

This morning I got an email telling me to check the patient portal about an upcoming appointment. Oh joy, my favorite web site. So today, August 26, 2018 I bring it up.

WHOA … wait a freaking minute. What is that on the upper right? I have the “#2 killer” … oh my god, I forgot that I may die. Thank you patient portal!

And my nurse practitioner is out until August 12. Good to know even if that was over a week ago and she is back. But then Dr. Pye is out until 2027. Still. Why is there not a canned “vacation notice” that the computer automatically keeps track of the end date, verifies it, and removes the message as appropriate? Nah, too easy.

The portal says I have a 10 AM appointment with the “wound/ostomy nurse” … a scary title. I am told that she will work with me to find a spot for the ostomy … I pick her belly, not mine. They say the appointment will be 45 – 60 minutes. I then do nothing for over an hour and have the “pat-preadmission testing” appointment.

The portal also tells me this:

If, in fact, I did not have the nurse appointment at 10 AM, I would be driving into the big city for a five minute appointment? Parking alone will cost me $10 no matter what. This is insane.

All I can say is that this better be a very well-used, important five minutes and not a waste of my time, or theirs. And if the nurse hands me an enema, I am not sure that colorectal cancer will still be the number 2 killer …

The post “If I’m not back in five minutes… just wait longer.” ~Ace Ventura appeared first on Disabled Dad.